101. You can't forget the vapid, simpering Princess Diana, surely the most irritating woman this century.
102. You can't cope with snow. Half an inch and the entire country grinds to a halt and the police forbid us to leave our homes. We understand it makes people from Canada wet themselves laughing. Which then freezes.
103. You can't be treated like sensible adults. For instance, you can't get near a river, lake, dock or cliff-top without being confronted by a forest of signs warning us "Danger! Cliffs!" We know they're cliffs. We can see they're cliffs. We know if you fall off a cliff you'll be killed. We know. Shut up! We KNOW!
104. You can't elect the government you want. All governments in this country are minority governments, with more people voting against them than voted for them. The highest percentage of the vote any government has achieved since the war is still less than 50%. We are at all times ruled by the very people we said we didn't want to be ruled by.
105. You can't put your rubbish in the bin at a railway station, because there isn't one. They took it away in case a terrorist put a bomb in it.
106. You can't call a railway station by its proper name, "railway station". We seem to have adopted the American "train station".
107. You can't get out of jail free. If they send you to prison for something you didn't do, and then later on you are cleared and released, they send you a bill!
108. You can't fight a proper war any more. Any soldier who is careless enough to kill one of the enemy is likely to find himself on a murder charge.
109. You can't be ill just any old how. These days there are some illnesses the NHS will treat, and others it can't be bothered with. You've got to have the right sort of illness. And if you are lucky enough to be accepted into hospital, they'll give you a free gift - MRSA.
110. You can't smoke in a public place.
111. You can't believe anything you are told by almost anyone in authority. For instance, despite what the government, the media and countless health "experts" repeatedly tell us, there has never been a single authenticated case, anywhere in the world, of someone dying from passive smoking.
112. You can't expect your rubbish to be collected at reasonable intervals. Your local council has now taken it on itself to decide when it'll come and what it'll take, and you just have to acquiesce or pay a fine.
113. You can't put your own rubbish in a street litter-bin or you'll be fined. Street litter-bins are for street rubbish only. Er … where does street rubbish come from?
114. You can't find an NHS dentist.
115. You can't say that anyone's "coloured". It used to be that you couldn't say they were black, but apparently that's OK now.
116. You can't hang your towel on the towel rail in a hotel without having to read a notice warning you it might be hot.
117. You can't walk on a wet floor without having to read a notice warning you it might be slippery.
118. You can't buy a packet of peanuts that doesn't carry the warning that it may contain nuts.
119. You can't keep a cock that crows.
120. You can't ask a policeman the time, or for directions, because ...
121. You can't find a policeman!
122. You can't buy a golliwog. Not in the Queen's shop, anyway.
123. You can't have a snowball fight in the school playground.
124. You can't play conkers in the school playground, either.
125. You can't make slides when it's icy.
126. You can't creosote your fence.
127. You can't play cricket or football in the street.
128. You can't dig the mud out of a ditch and chuck it anywhere you like - there's rules!
129. You can't tell the truth, at least if it involves saying that someone in a position of power and authority has lied or acted dishonestly. Seditious Libel is a criminal offence under English law, carrying a possible sentence of life imprisonment. Proving that what was said is true affords no defence.
130. You can't decide when to prune your own trees. Section 24 of the Local Government (Miscellaneous Provisions)Act 1976 allows an officer of a local authority to enter land in order to decide whether any action should be taken in respect of any tree on the land. It also permits council officers to enter the land in order to carry out work on a tree whether you want it done or not.
131. You can't prevent a Forestry Commission official from entering your garden to "inspect your timber". If you try, there's a large fine. I expect you're safe enough if you live in a flat, but don't count on it.
132. You can't just put any old fertiliser on your land, and you can't stop the fertiliser inspectors from entering your premises and taking samples of anything that takes their fancy. If you do, there's a large fine.
133. You can't stop a DEFRA official from entering your land to count the number of rabbits.
134. You can't monkey around with Health and Safety inspectors. Under Section 20 of the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974, an inspector of the Health and Safety Executive or the local authority may enter any premises (e.g. your house) which he has reason to believe it is necessary for him to enter for a purpose for which he has been appointed (i.e. whenever he likes). Entry must normally be at a reasonable time, but the inspector may enter at any time if he believes the situation to be dangerous. This belief does not have to be reasonable (e.g. he can do what he likes). The inspector can take a police officer with him, and any equipment he believes necessary. Once on the premises the inspector has wide powers to take samples, remove objects, or close down parts of the premises, and to question any person present and require them to give a signed statement. There is a £5,000 fine for obstructing the inspector who can, after all, do what he likes.
135. You can't pick something up from the beach and take it home. If you do, Section 247 of the Merchant Shipping Act 1995 allows an officer authorised by the Receiver of Wreck to enter any premises where an item from a shipwreck is "in the possession of some person who is not the owner of it" and to "search for, seize and detain" any such item.
136. You can't watch even the crappiest television programmes unless you have a licence, and it's no use claiming you shouldn't have to pay because you never watch the BBC. Section 366 of the Communications Act 2003 allows an OFCOM inspector, along with any number of police officers, to enter your house or car at any time, using reasonable force, to search for evidence of unlicensed TV watching. If you don't let him, there's a fine of £5,000.
137. You can't refuse to let a Customs Officer enter your house.
138. You can't refuse to let the electricity man into your house.
139. You can't do anything about it if the Fire Brigade turn up and want to put your bonfire out. If you try, there's a fine.
140. You can't refuse to let an official of the Environment Agency into your house, because The Environment is God, and He is God's Prophet. And besides, there's a £5,000 fine or two years in prison.
141. You can't refuse entry to your house to someone who wants to enforce the Ottawa Convention on Landmines.
142. You can't stop officials from entering your house and inspecting your computer if they believe there is evidence of "hacking". Well, they would say that, wouldn't they?
143. You can't, under the terms of the Criminal Justice Act of 1988, deny entry to a policeman who wants to search your house for "offensive weapons". Since the average garage contains dozens of tools (hammers, screwdrivers, shears, saws, chisels etc.) that could be described as offensive weapons in the wrong hands, that pretty much gives the police carte blanche. So when you get home to find a constable spread out in front of your telly, eating your crisps, drinking your beer and making advances to the wife, don't be surprised - he's looking for offensive weapons.
144. You can't deny entry to your house by an official of the Food Standards Agency who wants to search to see if you have any pesticides, or to root through your dustbin to see if it contains any food that isn't suitable for human consumption.
145. You can't obstruct an official of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the pursuance of his duties. It's not clear whether this includes collecting that old used condom you shoved under the bed just before your mother got home.
146. You can't prevent a policeman from entering your house if he has been authorized by a JP to search for "indecent materials" - so heaven help you if your teenage son has a stash of girly mags under the bed and a JP finds out.
147. You can't prevent a policeman from entering your house if he has been authorized by a JP to search for knives that are being, or might be, sold. Heaven only knows how you tell the difference between a knife that's about to be sold, and one that's quite happy where it is, thank you.
148. You can't, according to the provisions of the Nuclear Explosions (Prohibition and Inspection) Act of 1998, prevent officers from entering your house to look for fissionable materials under the bed. Your plea that you are simply collecting them in the pursuance of your hobby of amateur nuclear physics, will fall on deaf ears. And no, there is no De Agostini partwork enabling you to build your own nuclear reactor in just twenty-four monthly issues. There used to be, but the Iranians bought the rights.
149. You can't, if you're Welsh, make sausages and market them as "Welsh Dragon Sausages" - because they don't contain any dragon meat. According to Powys Trading Standards officers, lots of people think dragons are real, apparently.
150. You can't, if you're a baker in Weymouth, sell bird-shaped or pig-shaped biscuits called "Robin" or "Pig" because they aren't made of real robin or real pig. The local Trading Standards officers seem to think that lots of shoppers expect their biscuits to contain meat.
151. You can't, if you're the same baker in Weymouth, sell confectionary called "Paradise slices" because they don't contain any real Paradise. Odd, then, that you can still go to a sweetshop and buy Jelly Babies.
152. You can't, if you're English and white, expect to stand an equal chance when applying for a job in a government department or public utility.
153. You can't put talcum powder on a baby's bottom because it's carcinogenic, supposedly. I mean, we all know that whole generations of babies have grown up with cancer of the bum, don't we?
154. You can't have a drink if you're pregnant.
155. You can't sit in front of the telly of an evening and peaceably work your way through a bottle of Merlot.
156. You can't, if you're a pilot in the RAF, paint a pin-up on the nose of your aircraft. Strafing Muslim insurgents with high explosive ordnance is OK, but you mustn't offend them while you do it.
157. You can't go down to the beach for a swim without serious risk of catching some infection or other because of all the sewage we're pumping into the sea. Actually, this is no different to thirty years ago - except that these days we claim to have cleaned up our act.
158. You can't wash your baby every day. According to scientists it gives them eczema.
159. You can't snore. Scientists have decided that heavy snorers are more likely to suffer from Alzheimer's in old age.
160. You can't hoard your lipstick. According to recent medical research it, like other cosmetics, harbours bacteria. Though as they're likely to be your own bacteria, does that matter? Of course, this research was funded by the cosmetics industry …
161. You can't eat paté de foie gras. It also causes Alzheimer's.
162. You can't expose yourself to acetaldehyde because it gives you cancer.
163. You can't expose yourself to acrylamide because it gives you cancer.
164. You can't expose yourself to acrylonitril because it gives you cancer. 165. You can't have an abortion because it increases your risk of cancer.
166. You can't be exposed to agent orange because it gives you cancer.
167. You can be exposed to alar because it gives you cancer.
168. You can't drink alcohol because it increases your risk of cancer.
169. You can't tolerate air pollution because it increases your risk of cancer.
170. You can't be exposed to aldrin because it gives you cancer.
171. You can't be exposed to alfatoxin because it gives you cancer.
172. You can't be exposed to arsenic because it gives you cancer.
173. You can't be exposed to arsine because it gives you cancer.
174. You can't be exposed to asbestos because it gives you cancer.
175. You can't sniff asphalt fumes because they give you cancer.
176. You can't be exposed to atrazine because it gives you cancer.
177. You can't be exposed to AZT because it gives you cancer.
178. You can't give your child baby food because it'll give it cancer.
179. You can't eat barbequed meat because it gives you cancer.
180. You can't be exposed to benzene because it gives you cancer.
181. You can't be exposed to benzidine because it gives you cancer.
182. You can't be exposed to benzopyrene because it gives you cancer.
183. You can't be exposed to beryllium because it gives you cancer.
184. You can't eat beta-carotene because it gives you cancer.
185. You can't chew betel nuts because they give you cancer.
186. You can't use birth control pills because they give you cancer.
187. You can't drink bottled water because it gives you cancer.
188. You can't walk through bracken because it gives you cancer.
189. You can't eat bread because it gives you cancer.
190. You can't have breasts because they give you cancer.
191. You can't wait at a bus station because they give you cancer.
192. You can't use calcium channel blockers because they gives you cancer.
193. You can't be exposed to cadmium because it gives you cancer.
194. You can't be exposed to captan because it gives you cancer.
195. You can't be exposed to carbon black because it gives you cancer.
196. You can't be exposed to carbon tetrachloride because it gives you cancer.
197. You can't, if you're a woman, have a career because it gives you cancer.
198. You can't have casual sex because it gives you cancer. Damn.
199. You can't inhale car fumes because they give you cancer.
200. You can't eat celery because it gives you cancer (tell that to a Chelsea fan).
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